Inspectors should not laugh

One of the most fascinating aspects of the measurement Marine is the day of the inspection, you never know what you're about. I have been involved in one way or another, with all types of boats for over thirty years and I know the motto of the surveyor should "expect the unexpected." In a deadly serious affair, where people's lives and tens of thousands of dollars of other people are at risk, it is worthwhile to develop some necessary skills, patience and diplomacy between them when it comes to situations which are often strained and sometimes hostile .

My first association with the Thames where the boat started my life building the boat was on the night of mud and freezing of different sites. The figure of the surveyor was different then. He wore a tie, clean clothes and was treated with that rare commodity, respect. His word was law, did not argue with him, had a knowledge and also the old shipwrights crisp nod to him and sunk as 'the surveyor' came to visit. That these venerable figures had anything so extravagant a thing like sense of humor was inconceivable. A drizzly gray morning, a major customer was doing his pride and joy in the dock and the pompous owner was giving everyone a hard time. The surveyor was expected and it was clear the owner was on board and decided to appear in charge.

When the surveyor arrived the owner made a beeline straight for him and shouted so condescending,

"Where were you, I'm in a hurry and can not hang all day. There's nothing wrong with this boat is perfect everywhere and did not even need a poll, we only need to re-insured."

The surveyor said nothing, and proceeded immediately made a long and careful monitoring. Finally, he finished and slowly screwed the top on his Parker fountain pen. A hush fell over the courtyard as a surveyor and owner face to face.

"Well, what's the verdict, eh, Mr. surveyor?" snorted the owner.

The surveyor looked into his eyes and said loudly, but slowly,

"The bulls decompose, the frames are cracked and the only thing keeping it afloat is bloody worms holding hands, ten pounds to repair it .... please!"

He handed the bill the owner could drop, turned on his heel and swept back to his old Morris Black! Fantastic! I've never forgotten that and I never dreamed in those days would actually end up being a surveyor, but I'm here and I must admit that there may be some funny things from time to time.

Another example, has involved me going away with my boss who was an experienced surveyor, underwater recovery and boat, a decrepit houseboat to experience a severe loss. Irvine, my boss, had pulled up a trap door in the floor and pointed his flashlight into the bilges flooded.

"Where are your automatic bilge pumps?" said Irvine.

"I have nobody," the man shrugged his shoulders.

"Just turn on the pump by hand when it gits t 'the level of the floors."

Suddenly the man's wife piped up behind him,

"Why dontcha tell 'im the truth, is sleeping bin wiv my arm out of bed for years. When' hand gets wet, 'and gets up and runs the pump.' Cept the other night he came back drunk from the pub, the water crept up 'is arm, he peed the bed, woke up' imself, and if he had any, we 'ave to be sunk ... That's what your 'ere. "

Priceless stuff .... How could you keep a straight face.

However, I must admit I had my moments, and a classic, which I often think, is the floating house for sale on the Gold Coast. The client had seen the ad in the local newspaper "Houseboat for sale, $ 7,000, needs a handyman." By agreeing to meet him in the position we had the beach pretty soon both speechless. He needed a handyman goes well, there was only the top of the car sticking out of the water ... sunk! The owner even called later to see how the survey was gone ... that nerves!

Many great moments of polls come unexpectedly. I was in Port Hope on a very intelligent, great ship 'Taiwan Trawler', in excellent condition for its year. The owner was very trim, smart and wore large gold rings on his fingers and smoked cigars incessantly large, although still out on the deck. Once again, terribly proud was an owner and has been gleefully proclaiming that he had spent on the upkeep and maintenance of his boat smart. In truth, he had spent thousands and he was most eager when I asked to inspect the chain locker and winch. I removed the door and was surprised to see a pile of brand new shiny iron chain 3/8 stainless steel anchor.

He was beside himself with pride and swells when he said,

"Three great .... that were more than 1500 for the steel anchor, on the top."

I was just impressed, but amazed when my fingers found the research to the free end of the chain and shackle free foot beside it. Quickly realizing that he must have forgotten to connect the brand new chain to the boat, I seized the moment, withdrew its shiny cricket seriously and said,

"Mm, although never to this beautiful new chain in that dirty old, it is best to remember to link with this!" and I dropped in my hand.

Realization dawning, visibly sagged.

"Ooh, the devil", with a trace of Yorkshire accent, "Ooh, do not tell the wife about this, is it true?"

You should make a major cash to relive such a moment, is not it? It was very quiet for the rest of the survey.

Disaster is always lurking for the unwary and is never far away. A terrible day for a couple of years ago I did a survey on a large boat for a client doctor. From the moment we met my client had largely ignored and he brought with him some elegant companions for the day of the survey. It was clear from a minute had his own agenda, and when I tried to explain the ship was now considered a workplace and throughout the pre-inspection, drill down and I talked ignored.

Finally, grandly stood up and handed everyone a sheet of paper and said:

"Right ho, do your survey, we will do our doing and we will meet on the bridge in an hour of confrontation."

With this, he rushed out and fell immediately on engine hatch and disappeared. Thunderstruck, we pulled out after his fellow sailor doctor pronounced him unharmed apart from wrapping and severe bruises. He was extremely lucky not to have been seriously injured and was shaken enough to meekly surrender the reins to me once more.

"Well," murmured consolingly, "this is really what I'm here to do first."

Secretly, I was afraid that he broke his back in the fall .... phew, what a day!

In many cases, the surveyors encountered hostility from the full owner of the boat and the broker conspired with him, God help you. I was at Manly and had to examine a beautiful Cruiser Halvorsen timber. The owner, a German was staring at me and would not even return my greeting. The broker, someone I had not met before, was clearly the spokesman for them.

"Not too long, do not touch or harm anything and do not expect to find anything wrong with the boat, is a retired boat builder and will not appreciate any interference!"

We hauled the boat on the slip and I was playing bass with the mallet end when the owner before me bristling ....

"Vot choo going to do in dat?"

"... Well, I'm going to ..."

"Not bloody choo toucha zis boat in dat hammer, no knife, no peak of blood, Doan approaching!"

"Ok then, tell me how I should play the timber, it is a boat builder is not it?"

"OK buddy, you try your boat in the knuckle like zis ze!" and tapped on the bottom of boats. "How zis, take it!"

"Ok" I said handing him the hammer, "You survey the boat and I learn how to do it!"

With anger, grabbed the little toffee hammer, threw him to the ground and started to knock on the boat with his knuckles. After he did that for about two meters he had hurt his hand enough to stop.

".. Now come on, you are ze surveyor smart!"

"No, no," I said, "You're a good job, only 30 more yards on the left."

Two minutes later bruised knuckle that had really had enough.

"Now I must go to the bathroom z, now stop!"

"OK," I said and began to touch the hull with his knuckles. He waited until he was satisfied and then rushed out. I took my wooden bat and told the customer. "Keep your eyes open and call me when he came back!"

Sure enough within a couple of times I have found that our little man had tried to hide all the time, the keel had been hastily and recently replaced with conifers and rotted out. When he came back he said,

"It 'a good way knuckle rap, I do not think I'd find it rotted keel without it," and smiled sweetly.

He knew ... I knew that ... that was crazy ... I was relieved ... game over! I could live to fight another day!

One of the worst things for a surveyor is when a customer brings the ducts of friends together to 'help the surveyor'. It 's something that you really do not need and you must put your foot down with a steady hand. What people do not realize is that this is a very stressful and nerve often an exciting time for the owner to sell. Often they do not want to sell their pride and joy, and the last thing they need is an army of foreigners voluntarily vandalized their boat. A horrible day this happened and the customer has requested that the survey was accompanied by at least four burly boaties armed with sharp things and all encompassing knowledge. As the boat slipped, my client and all his fellow forwards and started chipping and hacking exposed at the helm, props and bottom. I stood next to a man who was clearly the owner. It was red with rage and shouted,

"Which of these bastards is the surveyor?"

Silently, I made my chest, "I do, actually."

We charge via swearing horribly and dispersed the crowd with threats too horrible to hear, ripping out of their hands and knives with fierce blows. Needless to say, all sloped off to the pub somewhere and thankfully has remained out of sight. Just do not do a thing you do?

Now, all this stuff does not happen every day, but you can bet something of shoes is always around the corner. Often frightens and sometimes something embarrassing, but every now and opens the door a bit 'of sunshine in the life of a poor, downtrodden, much maligned old dog of a surveyor! Who knows, someday I might write a book about it all when the mental scars have finally healed over!